EAST COAST APOCALYPSE
Good evening. In a press conference held earlier today, God admitted what many commentators had speculated in the last few days: that he has recently come to hate the east coast of the United States. The recent earthquake in Virginia and Hurricane Irene only days later were taken as signs of the Almighty’s ire. God would not comment on the reasons for his displeasure, but when leaving the conference he was overheard muttering the words “Jersey Shore” and “worse than Sodom and Gomorrah put together” to the Archangel Gabriel. He later confirmed that these are only the first of a number of plagues he will send to the east coast, potentially building to a complete localised apocalypse by the end of the year. He would not say what form the later plagues would take, though he did drop hints, suggesting the eastern seaboard may wish to stock up on pesticides. In addition, Congress has passed emergency legislation allowing for the evacuation of firstborn children to the Midwest. Recently instated avatar of Death Nick Cave also held a press conference later in the afternoon, confirming that he “is expecting to be kept busy over the coming months”. Talk radio host Rush Limbaugh spent most of his show yesterday discussing how he believed President Obama should “take the fight to God”, and that the Almighty’s actions were “extremely un-Christian”. That’s all for now; good evening.
As a side note, I’m a little bit horrified that Michelle Bachmann appears to be agreeing with me.
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