Missed Opportunities

As you may have noticed, I've recently started doing YouTube videos. I actually started writing these a little while ago; I'm attempting to tread my favoured line between topical and surreal. Unfortunately, that means they date quickly, and I've judged a couple of scripts so far to be out of date by the time I came to shoot them. Here's the first of these, which was written just after Enda Kenny dissed the Vatican in the Dáil (it could do with some revision, but I decided to present it warts and all). Hopefully you'll be hearing from Fionn Mahoney soon:

Ciarán: Good evening. Today we have a special report on the meeting between the Papal nuncio and Taoiseach Enda Kenny at Government buildings. As we know, Enda Kenny has been doing little to court Rome’s favour in the past weeks with his strong, condemning response to the Cloyne report. I’m told now that we can go to an audio fragment that was captured earlier of the meeting.

[Sound of snarling and growling, followed by Enda Kenny’s voice saying “You shall not pass!” and the sound of a big explosion.]

Ciarán: So some pretty gripping stuff there. I’m joined by our Dáil correspondent Fionn Mahoney. Fionn, can you shed any light on this strange recording?

Fionn: [N.B. He talks in a strange, lilting Midlands accent, emphasising seemingly random syllables] Yes, I can. It seems that, as expected, Enda Kenny strongly attacked the Papal nuncio upon his entrance. According to my reports, an argument ensued, whereupon the Papal nuncio turned into a large, horned beast and attempted to crush Enda Kenny.

Ciarán: I see. I believe this is unprecedented?

Fionn: Certainly there are no reports of this ever happening before, but it may be a power granted by Rome to all its representatives. It has already been suggested that this may explain the sudden death of Erskine Childers in office.

Ciarán: Any reports yet on how Enda Kenny is? I assume we would have heard by now if he’d been crushed.

Fionn: He was seen shortly after we recorded that piece from earlier, looking “battered but triumphant”, as one onlooker put it. He hasn’t given any official statement yet. In fact, we’ve yet to see the Papal nuncio since the meeting began.

Ciarán: Thank you, Fionn. So there you have it. Today, the Taoiseach did literal battle with the Papal nuncio and may have destroyed him. What will this mean for the Holy See’s relationship with Ireland? That remains to be seen, but I think it’s fair to say that even the Pope will think twice about confronting Enda Kenny now. This has been Wake Up Investigates; thank you for watching.

Here's the second, written in the middle of the London riots. By the time I came to shoot this one, the riots had just died down, so I figured it would seem downright anachronistic. I feel certain you'll be hearing from Jerry Lynch in the future, though. Also note the fact that Iggy Pop is a recurring figure in these videos.

Ciarán: Good evening. Yesterday saw a fourth consecutive day of terrible riots in Britain. The riots, which started in London, have since spread to such cities as Manchester and Birmingham, as well as smaller towns like Gloucester. I’m joined via audio link by our British correspondent Jerry Lynch. Jerry, what can you tell us about the situation on the ground, as it were?

Jerry: Well, it’s absolute bedlam here, and not the good kind that Georgian aristocrats pay to see. There’s been destruction on a remarkable scale here. Cars and buildings have been set on fire, as was Boris Johnson, when he attempted to invite the rioters to what he described as “a jolly game of cricket”.

Ciarán: Reports are coming in that the rioters come from various social backgrounds. Have you seen anything to support this?

Jerry: Oh, most definitely. There’s been a remarkable mix among the rioters. Of course, many of them are wearing masks or balaclavas, to make recognition next to impossible, but I have recognised some, including members of the English Defence League, Gerry Adams, Prince Harry, Hugh Grant, a Dalek and Iggy Pop, singing ‘Search and Destroy’ at the top of his lungs.

Ciarán: What about the response from locals? We’re hearing a lot of stories about local people defending their homes and businesses.

Jerry: There has been a lot of that. I saw one man yesterday challenging a rioter to a duel. Of course, while they were agreeing on seconds, and the time and place of the duel, several other rioters simply broke into the man’s home.

Ciarán: Have you seen much police presence on the streets?

Jerry: Riot police have been sweeping through the streets, but they’re being chronically undermined. Every few minutes, Kenneth Clarke will appear as if from nowhere to make several of them redundant. The newly unemployed men often join the rioters, bringing their shields and truncheons with them.

Ciarán: Thank you Jerry. Well, we’ll continue to bring you the most up to date information as these riots continue. I’ve just gotten word that the Dalek Jerry mentioned has called for back-up, which means that this may escalate into a full-scale invasion. Let’s hope the police and government can develop some way of fighting Daleks as well as rioters. That’s all for now, good evening.