FAKE UP: Alcohol

 
Many is the night FAKE UP has walked the streets of Dublin late at night, and shaken its metaphorical head in shame at the sights to be glimpsed there. The amount of revelry and enjoyment on display is nothing short of despicable; whither the great archetype of the sober, stoic Irishman? The temptation to be viewed as "deadly" is all-too-pervasive. If there is hope, however, it lies with you, the young people of the country.

"Whenever I go out, I won't let anyone buy me a drink. Water is my alcohol!" – Patrick, Dublin

Young people can suffer particularly adverse consequences as a result of partaking in the ingestion of alcohol ("drinking", as it is commonly known). A general air of foolishness tends to pervade any gathering of young people who are "under the influence". This foolishness can be viewed in such expressions of said "influence" as uncontrollable laughter and loud singing. Such unrestrained joy is indicative of an even deeper and more troubling problem with alcohol: it removes one's capacity to think rationally, and to make tough decisions. The impact of this is unmistakeable: what's life without a few tough decisions?

"When I go out with my friends and someone asks me a question, I make out a flow-chart of all the possible consequences of any reply I should make. Usually they leave before I can come to a decision, though." – Paula, Sligo

One obvious consequence of the inability to make tough decisions is the lasciviousness that is associated with alcohol intake. Clearly, this is a big problem; the population of the world is growing too rapidly as it is. Besides this, drunken "hook-ups" can in the worst cases lead to long-term relationships, a serious problem which FAKE UP has covered in depth previously. Of course, the urge to copulate (or "do it", in the common phrase) is strong among young people, but if you don't believe that abstinence can be fun, just listen to these party people:

"One night, I met a girl in a club. We were getting on well, until she asked me to dance. Knowing that 'dance' was a euphemism for sex, I turned and walked away. It felt so much better!" – Peter, Cork.

"Mark had been my best friend for years. We did everything together. Then one night he got drunk, and confessed that he was in love with me. I threw holy water on him and ran." – Ellen, Dublin.

One famous historical case of widespread abstinence is Prohibition in the USA between the world wars. Any glance at the culture of the 1920s can show you that America did just fine without alcohol. This was the decade that produced The Great Gatsby; the 'Jazz Age', when flappers and their gentleman escorts danced the night away until a reasonable hour in dry bars across the country. Prohibition was, unfortunately, eventually lifted at the beginning of the 1930s, and it can be no coincidence that the Great Depression coincided with the reintroduction of alcohol in the country.

"Prohibition was the best thing that ever happened to this country. I can honestly say I would never have been this successful without it." – Al, Chicago, 1928.

Clearly it is no coincidence, since recent studies have confirmed that alcohol does in a very real sense rot the brain. According to a doctor at Queens University (who refused to be named, for fear of reprisal by drunken rowdies), in its purest form alcohol can burn through corrugated iron. Besides this, it contains chemicals which go straight to the brain, removing all capacity for rational thought, and replacing it with an inexplicable penchant for Journey. Tests have proven that a rat which consumes even a millilitre of whiskey will perform poorly in academic testing from then on. The danger is palpable, no matter who you are.

"I drank lots of alcohol when I was young, and it hasn't affected me conversely [sic]!" – George, Texas.

Yet it is impossible to deny that there is danger involved in not drinking as well. Just listen to this testimony:

"When my friends discovered I didn't drink, they were horrified. They tied me to a chair, burned me with red hot pokers and then said they'd stop if I'd take a drink. I refused. One of them put on the radio, took out a razor and cut my ear off. I still refused. Ironically, they used vodka to sterilise the wound." – Michelle, Limerick.

Michelle paints a horrifying picture, yet it is one that is all too common. An Garda Síochána report that incidents of non-drinkers being literally tortured by their peers in order to force them into drinking have increased by 1000% in the last 5 years. It is a difficult trend to combat, since the fearful youths generally say things like "I fell into a fire" or "I slipped and ripped out my own fingernail". Eventually, most succumb to the peer pressure, and spend the rest of their lives weeping pitifully into a can of beer.

Without alcohol, in short, the world would be full of high-minded, stoic, thoughtful people who go no further than a warm handshake with the opposite sex, without rotted brains or hideous scars from torture, as happened during Prohibition. Doesn't this seem like something worth aspiring to? Yet even if it's a long way away, you yourself can make a difference simply by refusing. Always remember: it's cool to say "no"!