Seasonal Entertainment

As it's that time of year again, and I did mention before that I'd be doing an article to do with Christmas songs, I present to you my analysis of some of the most notable ones, and particularly their videos. There are some notable exceptions: some of them just don't have much to comment on, which is why Slade, for instance, escape comment. I mentioned before that I might do an article on Ronan Keating and Moya Brennan's travesty of a cover of 'Fairytale of New York'; it didn't occur to me that that would involve having to actually listen to the bloody thing. Same goes for 'Christmas Shoes' (I actually turned off the radio yesterday when I heard that muckheap of a song coming on). As such, neither of these hideous Antichrists of songs will be getting a write-up here.

I'll start with one of the usual suspects: Wizzard's 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day'. Now, I should point out that I'm physically incapable of disliking this song; it's rare for me to describe a song as "fun", but such is the case with this one. I only realised recently what a brilliant line "When the snowman brings the snow" is (which is presumably why it's repeated ad infinitum). Nonetheless, there are a few things that always strike me about the video. First of all, have a look at the bass player. It would seem that, having saved Middle-Earth, Legolas decided to grow a beard and join a mid-70s band. According to Wikipedia, he also changed his name to Rick Price. Next, have a look at the drummer at the front (the one with the magnificent hair). For some reason, I always wonder if he's a distant cousin of Ringo Starr; something in the gaze, I daresay. He also does a wonderful Harpo Marx impression around the 0.50 mark. Third in my series of band members is the pianist. Now, this fellow doesn't appear on camera for most of the video, but when he does, it's immediately apparent why. Stop reading this, and have a look at 1.20 in the video. Then come back. Done that? Good. Now you'll know what I mean when I ask WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?! He genuinely scares me. Every time I watch this video, I question why on Earth he was allowed near children. According to Wiki, again, he left the band soon after, which really worries me. Of course, Roy Wood demands a kiss off a small girl at 4.05, but that's nice and innocent, even if he does attempt to kick her a few seconds later.

Next, another favourite of mine: 'Stop the Cavalry', by Jona Lewie. Not nearly enough Christmas songs start with a bugle. Like Waits's 'Christmas Card...', it's a nicely poignant song. There's one aspect of the video that's always mildly distressed me, though. The video cuts between Jona Lewie out on the battlefield singing his heart out, and Miss Mary Bradley sitting at home waiting for him. At 1.45, though, he apparently gets shot... and we never see him again. Of course, he has just rather foolishly said "If I get home, live to tell the tale", which is asking for trouble. Still, though, I would rather like to assume he survives the war; that's a mildly depressing thought for Christmas.

Actually, there was a whole series of depressing songs on The Daily Dish last year; I submitted 'Fairytale of New York' (please try to ignore the stupid, adversarial "Think this is bad? Look at MY submission!" tone of my e-mail), which a lot of readers disagreed with, saying the song was really about two people staying together no matter what. I actually agreed with that; I just wanted to open up the song to a wider American audience. Someone also submitted 'Christmas Card...' – good for them. I believe there was also a post on the incredibly depressing original lyrics of 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' (which, unfortunately, I can't seem to find); here's the Wiki on the subject, though.

On a less depressing note, we have 'Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth'. Now, this song has recently been covered by The Priests and Shane MacGowan. That said, their version seems to mainly consist of The Priests singing both parts of the song while Shane mumbles in the background and (from 2.05 onwards) gets held up by two of the fathers. The more famous version, of course, is by Bing Crosby and David Bowie, recorded in 1977, only a month before Crosby's death. My sister likes to complain about this video, since the two talk about Christmas until 1.50; almost half the video. I also rather love the description on this particular video; it seems that the two really didn't know anything about each other. Maybe all that talking wasn't scripted?

Bowie mentions John Lennon in that video, which brings me neatly on to Paul McCartney (look at me segue!). I haven't much to say about 'Wonderful Christmas Time', especially as I've never really thought much of it. I much prefer Peter Serafinowicz's 'Sexual Christmas Time', which I would rather like to be released this year. Listen to the two back-to-back; it's educational. Anyway, the song I really wanted to discuss is 'Pipes of Peace'. I'm guessing the first 20 seconds of this video are the result of Paul having been owed a favour by the Doctor Who sound effects team. The video deals with the Christmas Truce of 1914, when German and British soldiers stopped fighting to sing carols and play football. Unfortunately, the truce was unofficial and short-lived; it didn't outlast Christmas Day in most parts of the Western Front, and it didn't even occur in a lot of places. Of course, according to Sir Paul, it actually lasted about a minute (though that may be just to cut down on having to have two versions of him onscreen for too long).

Christmas tends to be associated with dodgy woollen jumpers, particularly among fans of the Late Late Toy Show. One of the finest examples I've ever seen is in the video for Shakin' Stevens's 'Merry Christmas Everyone', which appears to be of stars and... some kind of red explosion? The video also features a rather frightening Santa, who can glimpsed at 0.50. I'm not entirely convinced he has a face. He also appears to use child labour; they may look like they're playing, but he also appears to be showing them how to manufacture toys in the correct manner. To top all this off, there's the creature (woman? Elf? Zombie?) riding in the sleigh with our friend Shakin'. She gazes wistfully around, smiling blankly, but we know she's weeping inside.

Now we come to my dear friend Cliff Richard. If any of you have the misfortune to have a copy of his calendar in your home every year, you will understand my pain. As such, it's always very enticing to see him wandering around at the edge of a cliff (ho ho! Cliff! Do you get it?) in the video for 'Saviour's Day'. No matter how many times I see it, I always think "Maybe this time he'll fall. Just maybe..." Optimism is a wonderful thing. His gesturing is top-notch as ever in this video; lots of clenched fists and fingers being pointed skywards. Added to this, yet again some poor children are forced to be in a video for a Christmas song. These ones have to stand around in cold sea winds while a middle-aged man prances around. I bet he was patronising towards them too. He seems the sort.

This brings me neatly on to the king of all dodgy Christmas videos. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...

Let's not mince words: 'Mistletoe and Wine' is an awful song. It's played in pubs at closing time to get people out. The video, though, completely makes up for that in its comedy value. It begins with Cliff standing outside a small child's bedroom window: interesting. I really can't make paedophile jokes about Cliff, though (although Chris Morris probably could); he just seems too asexual (though, according to The Day Today, he did once become pregnant). At 1.15, he seems to imply that he's being controlled by the Master, through the odd medium of a small candle. Next comes one of the finest freeze-frames in history, at 1.38, where Cliff does a brief Fonzie pose before passing between the two groups of carollers. Ridiculously fake-looking snow starts to fall on old-fashioned tin soldiers come to life, and Cliff moves back towards the camera for some more posing. 2.17 is another fine freeze-frame, where Cliff briefly ponders a career as a professional boxer. A gong is bashed, and the real genius ensues. From 2.25, Cliff is in the background, presumably so that he doesn't damage any filming equipment as he swings his arms (and his entire weight) from side to side. The choir are a few paces behind him, presumably so that they aren't damaged. Around 2.35, Cliff almost overbalances a couple of times, and decides to cut down on his dancing. Another wonderful freeze-frame comes at 2.52, as he tries to act cool as the soldiers pass him. For the last minute or so, Cliff tries to make himself warm. Finally, at 3.45, the small child from the beginning has come outside to stop the scary man and his choir from singing while she's trying to sleep. The scary man responds by waving in a disturbing manner.

I daresay that's about it. Why yes, I HAVE seen these videos far too many times. Still, they entertain me every year; I enjoy expanding on these various comments I have, which I've built up over several Christmases. Yet another thing I love about Christmas, then.



[21 days until Christmas!]